Hey there –
The last week has been nothing less than a true test of my ability to trust everything outside of myself and not try to control all the moving pieces around me.
My trip to New York last Sunday and Monday fell apart in what can only be described as a cruel joke by fate. Luckily,. the only monetary loss was a bus ticket. The following days were filled with misstep after misstep. Without digging in deep – I started updating my resume and stopped buying iced coffee from Bloc 11 cafe every morning.
Last week was terrifying. I questioned a lot of things. I thought about moving home. I thought about moving to a different state. I thought about cutting ties, selling everything and backpacking wherever I wanted to go. I was set – I wanted to split and run like hell.
My anxiety would peak at night, often wine-induced, and I would sit in silence on my bed and worry and think and ponder every single little part of my life. This is what happened Saturday night. I had a movie on as white noise on my computer and I sat and started to formulate a plan to get the heck out of Somerville. I had rough outline formed in my head when I decided to make some tea. I got up from my bed and started walking to the my kitchen when my computer – without being touched – started to play a recording in Adobe Audition.
(It’s important to note that I’m a pretty big stickler for closing programs and keeping my computer desktop, folders etc. fairly clean and organized. I don’t function with a lot of windows open or idle. With that said – the only window that was open and idle on my computer when I started playing the movie on Netflix an hour before was Google Chrome.)
The recording was of Elio and I trash talking each other at the Soul Shop when I was trying to track my voice for the Shop’s Christmas record.
Again – this wasn’t open on my computer when I started playing the movie. I don’t know how or why the recording was up or started playing (3 minutes in, mind you) where it did – but as soon as I heard it, I just started crying – like a sobbing cry – and I immediately dismissed my plans to throw up my *tail lights* and skate.
My life has changed dramatically in the last year – I’ve lost friends, I’ve gained a whole lot more – I’m in a feast or famine freelance mindset – I’ve traveled alone – I’ve gained a small sliver of a different kind of confidence in my ability to survive. Somerville is my home – no matter how screwed up and suffocating it can get sometimes. Maybe New York or another city are in my future, but for now, I’m here.
It all sounds so cliche and stupid and ridiculous – but I think sometimes it’s really the little things that happen that help you remember why you’re doing what you’re doing.
Thanks computer ghosts.